Halloween Contest 2017

Time for my annual Halloween contest! Complete this cartoon and you could win a pair of signed copies of my latest books: Laser Moose and Rabbit Boy, and the new sequel Laser Moose and Rabbit Boy: Disco Fever (released today!)

Laser Moose and Rabbit Boy 1 and 2

To enter the contest, tell me what the chicken is saying in the above cartoon. You can add your entry (or entries) to the comments here, or post your answer on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook or Pinterest or Google+. Or send it to me the old fashioned way via my contact form. I’ll choose three winners, to be announced on Halloween!

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232 Responses to Halloween Contest 2017

  1. Ant says:

    “Your mom.”

  2. marieke says:

    i don’t understand. every time i do a tarot reading the death card comes up.

  3. Roberto says:

    What?!? 500$ of toilet paper????

  4. Ronald Snijder says:

    I tried biting it, but the battery remains dead

  5. Alexis says:

    Everybody “attending” is here, but this homecoming dance seems pretty dead!

  6. Ricardo Mano says:

    Are you having the same problem with facial recognition?

  7. David says:

    This is all the duct tape you had left?

  8. Roberto says:

    The invitation didn’t say I would have a monologue!

  9. Roberto says:

    Hey dude, vampires don’t use bandages to get out during the day!

  10. Luis says:

    The invite says midnight.
    I hate undead pranks!
    They’re gonna make us wait forever!

  11. Dave Kinsella says:

    The invite says the party is in the dead center of town

  12. Júlio says:

    “Excuse me Sir, can you help me getting directions to your jugular?”

  13. DW says:

    Have you tried this super selfie smartphone? It’s rubbish. My face didn’t show up on any selfies I took with it!

  14. Lucas schoenick says:

    Let go kill all the humans for eating all the baby’s

  15. Christin Thatcher says:

    I have to rely on selfies since I can’t see myself in mirrors.

  16. DW says:

    Let’s dig a hole here for my dead phone.

  17. Beth says:

    Yeah, I’m calling about this order of chicken wraps I placed.

  18. Christin Thatcher says:

    I have to cancel on trick or treating. There’s a rare Pokemon nearby!

  19. Beth says:

    Look man, my party is tonight and I clearly indicated on your website I wanted an R-A-P Chicken.

  20. DW says:

    Nope. Egypt is a long way from here. Your GPS is inaccurate.

  21. Scott says:

    It’s now a primary offense, texting while dying.

  22. Beth says:

    Dude, you’re already a chicken. Do you really want to be labeled as a mummy’s boy?

  23. Jean Detjen says:

    I should have called sooner, grandma! Selfie?

  24. Sam says:

    I’m returning this phone. The selfie mode doesn’t work.

  25. Laurel Goodroe says:

    The selfie mode never works for me!

  26. Laurel Goodroe says:

    Im telling you, get an amazon prime account and you can have all the wrappings you need with free 2 day shipping!

  27. Sandra Giles Farlow says:

    Stop your loud cock a doodle doo You r waking me up

  28. Marcus says:

    “I wish I could see my reflection”

  29. Happy says:

    These are all the preservatives in your blood? No, I’m sorry, you aren’t invited to the Vampire’s Ball.

  30. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Ok, Google.. What blood banks are near me?

  31. James A Eichelberger says:

    We are going to be digging all night to find out who this toe tag belongs to.

  32. Rebecca says:

    Siri, how do I suck the blood of the already dead?

  33. Rebecca says:

    Oh no, all snapchat has are vampire filters!

  34. The Ninja of the night says:

    I was callig a different mummy.

  35. Beth says:

    Hey Mike, remember when you told me your cousin had “mad rapping skills”…

  36. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I knew we should’a taken that left turn at Albuquerque!

  37. Chad says:

    It says here’s today is “Mummy Appreciation Day”? I guess I should go buy you a card…

  38. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Ugh… My mesmerizing powers have no effect in Tinder.

  39. Dave H says:

    “Next on the list is a vulture feather. Wow, this really IS a scavenger hunt!”

  40. Beth says:

    I never thought I would complain about this, but this chicken I ordered is a little too free-rangey.

  41. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I’m not in any of these!

  42. Greg says:

    Some vampire app keeps draining my battery!

  43. Zach White says:

    Sorry Eddie, I only have one ticket to paradise.

  44. Dan Larisey says:

    This new app that brings the blood to you is really a game changer.

  45. Sam says:

    Costume? What costume???

  46. Dee Lambert says:

    Relax. It says right here, you can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave!

  47. Keith says:

    This says, “Do not open until Christmas”

  48. Ron Sharcott says:

    “Subway survey. Did you enjoy your wrap?”

  49. Chris Thoma says:

    Dang – looks like you have this all wrapped up.

  50. Stephanie says:

    You’ve been eating my best friend on the side? Go to Hell.

    But if you don’t want swearing:

    You’ve been eating my best friend on the side? Go to Hades.

  51. Phil says:

    “Werewolf just texted, he said he’d meet us at Trader Vic’s.”

  52. Machtyn says:

    He texted, “Sorry, but you’re just too wrapped up in yourself.”

  53. Erik and Terri says:

    “I think that text was a phish”

  54. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I told these monsters to stop calling me, and it’s always at dinner time!!!

  55. KipPhoenix says:

    “No, the Snapchat doggie ears don’t make you less scary…”

  56. OuttaBubblegum says:

    What?! Returned to sender? They say they can’t deliver to a box.

  57. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Weirdest thing, I was sure it was dead, but the next night it came back.

  58. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Official trick or treat hours end before dusk. #vampireproblems

  59. Brian says:

    Van Helsing’s sending me wooden stake emojis again. He does this every year…

  60. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Frank’s bringing a friend. I think he said “Man, he’ll sing!” I have a bad feeling about this…

  61. Jodi Menees says:

    Do you validate parking? I don’t have any cash, and I need to move before the sun rises.

  62. Matt S says:

    We were supposed to stay sedentary, not go to the cemetery.

  63. Ian says:

    Why did you add the “Don’t open ’till Christmas” tag?

  64. Matthew E Garcia says:

    “I finally have enough stamps for a free pumpkin spice latté!”

  65. Matthew E Garcia says:

    “Hang on… it’s optimizing our haunting route so we can get back by sunrise.”

  66. David Goodman says:

    “Is this where the Halloween flash mob is supposed to be?”

  67. rrubo says:

    You looked more alive on your profile pic.

  68. Julie says:

    I am not sure if this is a smart phone or not but this SnapChat filter was supposed to just make you look like a mummy or vampire not actually turn you into one.

  69. Ken Roberts says:

    “It’s an overdraft notice from the Blood Bank!”

  70. Andrew M says:

    Oops, looks like I had your costume’s laundry ticket all along.

  71. mariusg says:

    “Tinder rates as the best dating app, but it also has some disturbing facts and mocking ideologies linked to it.”

  72. Peppermallow says:

    I just took a No-Selfie

  73. Peppermallow says:

    Argh! Siri! I asked you to find my mommy!

  74. Peppermallow says:

    I can’t believe I paid 4.99 for a Snapchat Filter called “Mirror Me”

  75. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I told these monsters to stop calling me! And why do they always call at dinner time?!

  76. OuttaBubblegum says:

    My mesmerizing gaze seems to have no effect on social media.

  77. OuttaBubblegum says:

    This thing is unearthly, I swear it was dead, but it just keeps coming back from the grave!

  78. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Official trick-or-treating hours end before dusk #vampireproblems

  79. Peppermallow says:

    I hate seeing Facebook pages of people who have since died. Especially as it was my fault.

  80. Gypsum Fantastic says:

    Ok I can get us into Dorsia, do you want 8 or 9 pm?

  81. Stacey says:

    I’m sorry sir, your cloak was destroyed in the Great Moth Infestation of 1892.

  82. Peppermallow says:

    I used to be normal until my ex found me on tinder and swiped down.

  83. Robin H says:

    Would you mind taking my picture with Marie Laveau?

  84. Peppermallow says:

    Oh crap, I’ve become an internet meme. Now how am I going to attract unwitting victims.

  85. JR O says:

    Must be a dead zone…

  86. Jennifer Klaas-Taylor says:

    (I’m assuming the vampire is holding a cell phone …)
    “Give me a sec. I want to wrap up this call before my phone goes dead.”

  87. Peppermallow says:

    Why do you keep replying “#TutTutTut” to everything I post?

  88. Peppermallow says:

    We didn’t win the Halloween dress up competition. The guys dressed as siamese twins Trump and Kim beat us.

  89. Peter says:

    Mummy Chicken: $20

  90. Peter says:

    Siri, where can I find a good bite around here?

  91. Peter says:

    They were supposed to teepee your house, not you!

  92. Miles Archer says:

    Selfies don’t work on this phone.

  93. Michelle says:

    Did you order “Garlic Chicken” AGAIN?

  94. Dennis Mairet says:

    This neighborhood is dead. Hey! They are giving away candy at the mall.

  95. Dennis Mairet says:

    No coverage. We must be in a dead zone.

  96. Dennis Mairet says:

    You’re too deadpan in this video. Liven up a bit.

  97. Dennis Mairet says:

    Hey! I don’t show up in any of our selfies.

  98. Dennis Mairet says:

    According to my GPS, uncle Mike should be right here.

  99. Dennis Mairet says:

    Apparently, rip has 12 meanings.

  100. Dennis Mairet says:

    Who is this Doug…and why is he always texting me.

  101. Dennis Mairet says:

    Damn! My phone is possessed by an OS upgrade.

  102. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    My face wouldn’t show up in the mirror so I use the selfie function on this phone.

  103. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    Oops, sorry. Thought you were a Pokemon.

  104. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    Well bud, you’re a bit far from the pyramids, but if you want I can let you borrow my GPS for a bit.

  105. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    I was going to ask if you wanted a bite to eat, but they probably took out your stomach in the mummification process.

  106. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    I called “Mom”, not “mummy”.

  107. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    Looks like we’re scheduled to scare some kids at 9:00.

  108. (Random Chicken) Gavin says:

    I say sell the smartphone and get a flip-phone. Your wrappings won’t work on the screen and don’t even get me started with facial recognition.

  109. Vladimir Plojhar says:

    So… Are you going to looks like in a picture in the end?

    Title: Blind date.

  110. dana says:

    I have a winning ticket for a free tooth extraction from a dentist. I can’t use it, and it looks like you can’t either.

  111. Jordan says:

    “But then he turned and saw the letters in a mirror. They read… K…F…C…”

  112. Jordan says:

    “I gotta say, Larry. This is all a little cliché.”

  113. Jordan says:

    “I’ve got this new Blare Witch filter on my phone.”

  114. Nahtmmm says:

    Wolfman’s the coat checker. My cape’s gonna be covered in hair

  115. OuttaBubblegum says:

    You ever get a creepy feeling, you are being stalked by some awful abomination, on Facebook?

  116. Zoetrope says:

    Are you hurt? I can get you some Band-Aids instead of pieces of cloth.

  117. Tim Canny says:

    Zombie Bob says he’s going to be late. He ate his Uber driver’s brain again.

  118. Jordan Simons says:

    Dracula to bridge…confirming no presence of blood with this creature.

  119. Rara says:

    You want me to bite you so that you can star in The Mummy Returns ?!!

  120. Adolfo de la Garza III says:

    You’d think the Night of the Living Dead casting call would have been a little more specific.

  121. Jordan Simons says:

    Dracula to bridge…scanners indicate high levels of deception. Initiating invasive fang test.

  122. Rara says:

    Maybe she wanted you to wrap your head around the problem…and not the problem around your head?

  123. Jordan Simons says:

    Daily horoscope: Looks can be deceiving. Trust your instincts to find your joie de vivre.

  124. Rara says:

    Love your gf’s posts…such a bat temper! Can’t understand how she ended up with a dummy mummy like you!

  125. Jerome says:

    You looked more appetizing on your profile pictures.

  126. Renee says:

    You looked a lot less… Mummified on your dating profile.

  127. Chris Guerra says:

    I love your place, but I started dating again to look for some fresh blood.

    Title: Irreconcilable Differences

  128. Jeff Hatcher says:

    Reservation for one please!

  129. Andrew M says:

    These are instructions to bandage a wound, not a do-it-yourself costume.

  130. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I don’t know why I bother with these class reunions. It’s always a dead crowd.

  131. OuttaBubblegum says:

    Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. Klaatu… Barada… N,cough,cough… So.. There I said the words!

  132. David Windhorst says:

    It’s a bunch of random characters from Quasimodo. Probably just hump-dialed.

  133. Merman says:

    Oh no!we missed an important mummification detail ..says here – “The subject should be dead” 🙁

  134. Jayson says:

    It says here NOT to use bleach

  135. Jayson says:

    There’s your problem: you went straight at Cairo and you should’ve taken a left

  136. Peppermallow says:

    Aaaargh. A sun emoji!

  137. Peppermallow says:

    Damned autocorrect! I just told her I wanted to suck her blueberries.

  138. dana says:

    My Chinese fortune cookie reads: “Put away your umbrella, sunny days are ahead for you!”

  139. dana says:

    I think we’re here too early for the party. My phone is still on Transylvania time.

  140. dana says:

    The President just called me a “souless blood-sucker” on Twitter. That’s true, but I have to admit it stings a bit.

  141. dana says:

    They’re calling us monsters on CNN. Fake news!

  142. dana says:

    It looks like your movie romance is over. Tom Cruise has texted that he’s breaking up with you. There won’t be a sequel.

  143. dana says:

    Frankenstein invited us to join him on the nude beach at High Noon. That’s not going to work for either of us.

  144. dana says:

    Wolfman says he won’t be able to make it to the party. He’s at the vet, getting his shots.

  145. Cat Hahn says:

    “When you said you’d be late because you were all wrapped up, I didn’t think you meant it literally.”

  146. Antonio says:

    “Chuck can’t come to the party, he’s a bit tied up at the moment.”

  147. dana says:

    It says that I’ve won a year of free meals at that trendy vegetarian restaurant.

  148. dana says:

    I got a text from Van Helsing. He’s inviting me to play ‘high stakes’ poker. Should I go?

  149. Flavio Santamorena says:

    Bloody Heaven! I just won Doug’s Halloween contest!

    We took the wrong direction, this is a dead end!

    So you really are a werewool. The costume label says “100% Merino”.

    Smile this time!

  150. dana says:

    I’ve been invited to ‘Stake and Shrimp’ night at Buffy’s house. Hmmm…

  151. dana says:

    That night I spent drinking bloodwine with the Klingons is a blur. I just got hit with a paternity suit from Lursa of House Duras.

  152. dana says:

    I’ve got no bars. We’re not going to find that Pokemon here.

  153. Darlene says:

    Uber pickup time is 8 minutes. That’s gonna feel like an eternity!

  154. Cleo says:

    Sure, I can call your ‘mummy’ for you.

  155. Cleo says:

    Frank just left. He says this party is a bit too dead.

  156. Guillermo Haro says:

    oops! those are plaster bandages

  157. Allen's Brain says:

    Oh yeah? Well you don’t look like your dating profile pic, either!

  158. Allen's Brain says:

    Are you sure this is the pic you want for your online dating profile, Mr Hotep?

  159. Allen's Brain says:

    Smile!
    Oh, you already are?

  160. Allen's Brain says:

    You’re a mummy, not a pinata? Then why did you use paper mache?

  161. Amanda Hatch says:

    Our GPS has put us in grave danger.

  162. Kathleen says:

    This new Mummy GO game is so realistic.

  163. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I told him, I am the lord of evil, master of the night, I will take the galaxy. So… I’m an android guy now.

  164. Nicolas Verdi says:

    I believe his number is 666

  165. Nicolas Verdi says:

    Can’t reach them, better use the ouija app…

  166. Nicolas Verdi says:

    This ouija app has cool emojis

  167. Tyler says:

    “Divorce?! But I thought our love was eternal!”

  168. Peppermallow says:

    It’s taken me nearly 7,000 years and 200 billion attempts to crack your password, but I finally have it!

  169. Peppermallow says:

    You are going to love the vampire version of bit-coin!

  170. Peppermallow says:

    I’ve always wondered exactly where this thing vanishes whenever I turn myself into a bat.

  171. Peppermallow says:

    I haven’t been a bat since I got this thing. It destroys my sense of direction.

  172. Rupert says:

    The Yelp review for this graveyard mentioned mosuleums. Where are the mosuleums?

  173. Nick Everson says:

    To be fair, the invitation never said the party would be lively.

  174. Petar Bajic says:

    I forgot where I parked.

  175. Flavio Santamorena says:

    He said he’s the one wearing a stone tomb costume.

  176. Flavio Santamorena says:

    My phone is dead too

  177. Pete K says:

    It fell off again! Let’s call the toe truck this time.

  178. Cleo says:

    I just changed my Facebook status to undead.

  179. richard sharp says:

    “how are you going to hen peck me in that get up?”

  180. Peppermallow says:

    My phone has an ILoveYouMore virus, where if i dont keep loving it more and more, it calls me a jerk.

  181. Giuseppe D. says:

    “Is this where I validate my parking?”

  182. Enzo Cuciti says:

    Ok,here’s my camera,but remember,for hell’s sake: flash OFF!

  183. Carson says:

    What do you mean I look nothing like my profile picture of myself standing in front of a mirror, in front of Brad Pitt?

  184. Melissa says:

    “What happens if I unwrap you before Christmas?”

  185. Melissa says:

    “Our one night out and everything is already booked!”

    Title: the living dead

  186. Dennis Mairet says:

    Let’s tip over his tombstone since he won’t give us candy. I’ll call Frankenstein to help.

  187. Dennis Mairet says:

    We’ve been pranked. Somebody posted on Treatster that this guy is giving away full size Buterfinger bars.

  188. Dennis Mairet says:

    No, Mom. I’m not planning to tip over all the tombstones again this year.

  189. Dennis Mairet says:

    Accuweather says sunrise is in 30 minutes. I better get home.

  190. Dennis Mairet says:

    Why would Treatster send us here? It must be a prank.

  191. Dennis Mairet says:

    Siri, where is the grave of Arch Stanton?

  192. Dennis Mairet says:

    Siri, who is buried in Grant’s tomb?

  193. Dennis Mairet says:

    Siri, how deep are caskets buried? And where is the nearest hardware store?

  194. Dennis Mairet says:

    Why is google maps sending us to Boise to see Paul Revere’s grave?

  195. Dennis Mairet says:

    It’s a text from your great great great great great grandpa. He says it’s cold and dark down here.

  196. Dennis Mairet says:

    Emergency calls only. Is a low red blood cell count an emergency?

  197. Dennis Mairet says:

    It’s my dentist. He says it will take orthodontics to fix my overbite.

  198. Dennis Mairet says:

    Uh Oh. The Red Cross is flagging a shortage in the world’s blood supply.

  199. Dennis Mairet says:

    You can get free shipping if you up it to 4 quarts of embalming fluid.

  200. Adam says:

    Unicode fell short this time, so I needed to make a picture:

    https://imgur.com/WRvhT1q

  201. Peppermallow says:

    It’s Helga’s phone. Turns out it was more waterproof than she was.

  202. Peppermallow says:

    I don’t like ‘Apple Pay’. It reminds me too much of Snow White.

  203. Peppermallow says:

    I love the irony. I got a “BFF” text from a mortal.

  204. Colleen says:

    Selfies are a great substitute for mirrors.

  205. Micah says:

    Zoning ordinance 17-k21 expressly forbids the reanimation of mumified remains.
    You’re either going to have to petition for a variance, or mind-control the city council like the mad-scientists did last year.

  206. OuttaBubblegum says:

    I tried to sell you to KFC, but they just refused, they say you are too fresh!

  207. Frank says:

    Can you believe Frank and Angela? It’s a save the date for their death-a-versary party on the same night as our terrorize-the-town tour. Unbelievable!

  208. Andrew T says:

    Sorry, this tomb transfer expired 5000 years ago.

  209. Justin James says:

    You are right, your wrappings ARE closer to ecru than they are to beige.

  210. Dennis Mairet says:

    Low is 24 degrees. Moon is waxing gibbous. Wind is west north west at 15 to 20 miles per hour. Yanet Garcia is wearing a blue dress. I feel warmer already.

  211. Dennis Mairet says:

    Siri, play Songs From The Crypt.

  212. Dennis Mairet says:

    Our credit card company wants to know if we really bought 40 rolls of masking tape.

  213. Dennis Mairet says:

    Siri, how do you scare dead people?

  214. MmmYarn says:

    Oh, a Dracula card! Just what I needed to complete my collection!

  215. Mark Te Tai says:

    “I ordered the Chicken Salad…..not the Chicken Wrap.”

    “Sorry to hear about your marinade burn.”

    “Free yourself Dude, you have to find a way out of that long-term cellular contract.”

    “Are we the only two that were invited to the KFC waiting room party.”

    “Naked chicken, it’s all the rage at Taco Bell.”

    “Sorry, no cape this year. Transylvanian Air lost my luggage!”

    “Here’s my dry cleaning ticket. Can I have my cape?”

    “You look better than your Tinder photo!”

  216. Oana says:

    I’m never going to play poker with you again if you keep marking the aces!

  217. Ovidiu says:

    damn these jehova witnesses

  218. Ovidiu says:

    let me just finish this candy crush game

  219. Oana says:

    I marked all the aces. Now let’s find some suckers.

  220. Oana says:

    According to the map, we should be inside the club right now.

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