Time for my annual Halloween contest! Complete this cartoon and you could win a pair of signed copies of my latest books: Laser Moose and Rabbit Boy, and the new sequel Laser Moose and Rabbit Boy: Disco Fever (released today!)
To enter the contest, tell me what the chicken is saying in the above cartoon. You can add your entry (or entries) to the comments here, or post your answer on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook or Pinterest or Google+. Or send it to me the old fashioned way via my contact form. I’ll choose three winners, to be announced on Halloween!
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232 Responses to Halloween Contest 2017
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“Your mom.”
i don’t understand. every time i do a tarot reading the death card comes up.
What?!? 500$ of toilet paper????
I tried biting it, but the battery remains dead
This is great.
Everybody “attending” is here, but this homecoming dance seems pretty dead!
Are you having the same problem with facial recognition?
This is all the duct tape you had left?
The invitation didn’t say I would have a monologue!
Hey dude, vampires don’t use bandages to get out during the day!
The invite says midnight.
I hate undead pranks!
They’re gonna make us wait forever!
The invite says the party is in the dead center of town
“Excuse me Sir, can you help me getting directions to your jugular?”
Have you tried this super selfie smartphone? It’s rubbish. My face didn’t show up on any selfies I took with it!
Let go kill all the humans for eating all the baby’s
I have to rely on selfies since I can’t see myself in mirrors.
Let’s dig a hole here for my dead phone.
Yeah, I’m calling about this order of chicken wraps I placed.
Loved this one!
I have to cancel on trick or treating. There’s a rare Pokemon nearby!
Look man, my party is tonight and I clearly indicated on your website I wanted an R-A-P Chicken.
Nope. Egypt is a long way from here. Your GPS is inaccurate.
It’s now a primary offense, texting while dying.
Dude, you’re already a chicken. Do you really want to be labeled as a mummy’s boy?
I should have called sooner, grandma! Selfie?
I’m returning this phone. The selfie mode doesn’t work.
The selfie mode never works for me!
Im telling you, get an amazon prime account and you can have all the wrappings you need with free 2 day shipping!
Stop your loud cock a doodle doo You r waking me up
“I wish I could see my reflection”
These are all the preservatives in your blood? No, I’m sorry, you aren’t invited to the Vampire’s Ball.
Ok, Google.. What blood banks are near me?
We are going to be digging all night to find out who this toe tag belongs to.
Siri, how do I suck the blood of the already dead?
Oh no, all snapchat has are vampire filters!
I was callig a different mummy.
Hey Mike, remember when you told me your cousin had “mad rapping skills”…
I knew we should’a taken that left turn at Albuquerque!
It says here’s today is “Mummy Appreciation Day”? I guess I should go buy you a card…
Ugh… My mesmerizing powers have no effect in Tinder.
“Next on the list is a vulture feather. Wow, this really IS a scavenger hunt!”
I never thought I would complain about this, but this chicken I ordered is a little too free-rangey.
I’m not in any of these!
Some vampire app keeps draining my battery!
Sorry Eddie, I only have one ticket to paradise.
This new app that brings the blood to you is really a game changer.
Costume? What costume???
Relax. It says right here, you can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave!
This says, “Do not open until Christmas”
“Subway survey. Did you enjoy your wrap?”
Dang – looks like you have this all wrapped up.
You’ve been eating my best friend on the side? Go to Hell.
But if you don’t want swearing:
You’ve been eating my best friend on the side? Go to Hades.
“Werewolf just texted, he said he’d meet us at Trader Vic’s.”
He texted, “Sorry, but you’re just too wrapped up in yourself.”
“I think that text was a phish”
I told these monsters to stop calling me, and it’s always at dinner time!!!
“No, the Snapchat doggie ears don’t make you less scary…”
What?! Returned to sender? They say they can’t deliver to a box.
Weirdest thing, I was sure it was dead, but the next night it came back.
Official trick or treat hours end before dusk. #vampireproblems
Van Helsing’s sending me wooden stake emojis again. He does this every year…
Loved this. ????
Frank’s bringing a friend. I think he said “Man, he’ll sing!” I have a bad feeling about this…
Do you validate parking? I don’t have any cash, and I need to move before the sun rises.
We were supposed to stay sedentary, not go to the cemetery.
Why did you add the “Don’t open ’till Christmas” tag?
“I finally have enough stamps for a free pumpkin spice latté!”
“Hang on… it’s optimizing our haunting route so we can get back by sunrise.”
“Is this where the Halloween flash mob is supposed to be?”
You looked more alive on your profile pic.
I am not sure if this is a smart phone or not but this SnapChat filter was supposed to just make you look like a mummy or vampire not actually turn you into one.
“It’s an overdraft notice from the Blood Bank!”
Oops, looks like I had your costume’s laundry ticket all along.
????????
“Tinder rates as the best dating app, but it also has some disturbing facts and mocking ideologies linked to it.”
I just took a No-Selfie
Argh! Siri! I asked you to find my mommy!
I can’t believe I paid 4.99 for a Snapchat Filter called “Mirror Me”
I told these monsters to stop calling me! And why do they always call at dinner time?!
My mesmerizing gaze seems to have no effect on social media.
This thing is unearthly, I swear it was dead, but it just keeps coming back from the grave!
Official trick-or-treating hours end before dusk #vampireproblems
I hate seeing Facebook pages of people who have since died. Especially as it was my fault.
Ok I can get us into Dorsia, do you want 8 or 9 pm?
I’m sorry sir, your cloak was destroyed in the Great Moth Infestation of 1892.
I used to be normal until my ex found me on tinder and swiped down.
Would you mind taking my picture with Marie Laveau?
Oh crap, I’ve become an internet meme. Now how am I going to attract unwitting victims.
Must be a dead zone…
????
(I’m assuming the vampire is holding a cell phone …)
“Give me a sec. I want to wrap up this call before my phone goes dead.”
Why do you keep replying “#TutTutTut” to everything I post?
We didn’t win the Halloween dress up competition. The guys dressed as siamese twins Trump and Kim beat us.
Mummy Chicken: $20
Siri, where can I find a good bite around here?
I was looking through the comments and this is a winner.
They were supposed to teepee your house, not you!
Selfies don’t work on this phone.
Did you order “Garlic Chicken” AGAIN?
Pretty good
This neighborhood is dead. Hey! They are giving away candy at the mall.
No coverage. We must be in a dead zone.
You’re too deadpan in this video. Liven up a bit.
Hey! I don’t show up in any of our selfies.
According to my GPS, uncle Mike should be right here.
Apparently, rip has 12 meanings.
Who is this Doug…and why is he always texting me.
Damn! My phone is possessed by an OS upgrade.
My face wouldn’t show up in the mirror so I use the selfie function on this phone.
Oops, sorry. Thought you were a Pokemon.
Well bud, you’re a bit far from the pyramids, but if you want I can let you borrow my GPS for a bit.
I was going to ask if you wanted a bite to eat, but they probably took out your stomach in the mummification process.
I called “Mom”, not “mummy”.
Looks like we’re scheduled to scare some kids at 9:00.
I say sell the smartphone and get a flip-phone. Your wrappings won’t work on the screen and don’t even get me started with facial recognition.
So… Are you going to looks like in a picture in the end?
Title: Blind date.
I have a winning ticket for a free tooth extraction from a dentist. I can’t use it, and it looks like you can’t either.
“But then he turned and saw the letters in a mirror. They read… K…F…C…”
“I gotta say, Larry. This is all a little cliché.”
“I’ve got this new Blare Witch filter on my phone.”
Wolfman’s the coat checker. My cape’s gonna be covered in hair
You ever get a creepy feeling, you are being stalked by some awful abomination, on Facebook?
Are you hurt? I can get you some Band-Aids instead of pieces of cloth.
Zombie Bob says he’s going to be late. He ate his Uber driver’s brain again.
Dracula to bridge…confirming no presence of blood with this creature.
You want me to bite you so that you can star in The Mummy Returns ?!!
You’d think the Night of the Living Dead casting call would have been a little more specific.
Dracula to bridge…scanners indicate high levels of deception. Initiating invasive fang test.
Maybe she wanted you to wrap your head around the problem…and not the problem around your head?
Daily horoscope: Looks can be deceiving. Trust your instincts to find your joie de vivre.
Daily horoscope: Now is no time to question your judgement. Dive in head first – you won’t regret it.
Love your gf’s posts…such a bat temper! Can’t understand how she ended up with a dummy mummy like you!
You looked more appetizing on your profile pictures.
You looked a lot less… Mummified on your dating profile.
I love your place, but I started dating again to look for some fresh blood.
Title: Irreconcilable Differences
Reservation for one please!
These are instructions to bandage a wound, not a do-it-yourself costume.
I don’t know why I bother with these class reunions. It’s always a dead crowd.
Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. Klaatu… Barada… N,cough,cough… So.. There I said the words!
It’s a bunch of random characters from Quasimodo. Probably just hump-dialed.
Oh no!we missed an important mummification detail ..says here – “The subject should be dead” 🙁
It says here NOT to use bleach
There’s your problem: you went straight at Cairo and you should’ve taken a left
Aaaargh. A sun emoji!
Damned autocorrect! I just told her I wanted to suck her blueberries.
My Chinese fortune cookie reads: “Put away your umbrella, sunny days are ahead for you!”
I think we’re here too early for the party. My phone is still on Transylvania time.
The President just called me a “souless blood-sucker” on Twitter. That’s true, but I have to admit it stings a bit.
They’re calling us monsters on CNN. Fake news!
It looks like your movie romance is over. Tom Cruise has texted that he’s breaking up with you. There won’t be a sequel.
Frankenstein invited us to join him on the nude beach at High Noon. That’s not going to work for either of us.
Wolfman says he won’t be able to make it to the party. He’s at the vet, getting his shots.
“When you said you’d be late because you were all wrapped up, I didn’t think you meant it literally.”
“Chuck can’t come to the party, he’s a bit tied up at the moment.”
It says that I’ve won a year of free meals at that trendy vegetarian restaurant.
I got a text from Van Helsing. He’s inviting me to play ‘high stakes’ poker. Should I go?
Bloody Heaven! I just won Doug’s Halloween contest!
We took the wrong direction, this is a dead end!
So you really are a werewool. The costume label says “100% Merino”.
Smile this time!
I’ve been invited to ‘Stake and Shrimp’ night at Buffy’s house. Hmmm…
That night I spent drinking bloodwine with the Klingons is a blur. I just got hit with a paternity suit from Lursa of House Duras.
I’ve got no bars. We’re not going to find that Pokemon here.
Uber pickup time is 8 minutes. That’s gonna feel like an eternity!
Sure, I can call your ‘mummy’ for you.
Frank just left. He says this party is a bit too dead.
oops! those are plaster bandages
Oh yeah? Well you don’t look like your dating profile pic, either!
Are you sure this is the pic you want for your online dating profile, Mr Hotep?
Smile!
Oh, you already are?
You’re a mummy, not a pinata? Then why did you use paper mache?
Our GPS has put us in grave danger.
This new Mummy GO game is so realistic.
I told him, I am the lord of evil, master of the night, I will take the galaxy. So… I’m an android guy now.
I believe his number is 666
Can’t reach them, better use the ouija app…
This ouija app has cool emojis
(A modern Ouija board with a full array of Emoji! I love the concept! An Emouja Board)
“Divorce?! But I thought our love was eternal!”
It’s taken me nearly 7,000 years and 200 billion attempts to crack your password, but I finally have it!
You are going to love the vampire version of bit-coin!
I’ve always wondered exactly where this thing vanishes whenever I turn myself into a bat.
I haven’t been a bat since I got this thing. It destroys my sense of direction.
The Yelp review for this graveyard mentioned mosuleums. Where are the mosuleums?
To be fair, the invitation never said the party would be lively.
I forgot where I parked.
He said he’s the one wearing a stone tomb costume.
My phone is dead too
It fell off again! Let’s call the toe truck this time.
I just changed my Facebook status to undead.
“how are you going to hen peck me in that get up?”
My phone has an ILoveYouMore virus, where if i dont keep loving it more and more, it calls me a jerk.
“Is this where I validate my parking?”
Ok,here’s my camera,but remember,for hell’s sake: flash OFF!
What do you mean I look nothing like my profile picture of myself standing in front of a mirror, in front of Brad Pitt?
“What happens if I unwrap you before Christmas?”
“Our one night out and everything is already booked!”
Title: the living dead
Let’s tip over his tombstone since he won’t give us candy. I’ll call Frankenstein to help.
We’ve been pranked. Somebody posted on Treatster that this guy is giving away full size Buterfinger bars.
No, Mom. I’m not planning to tip over all the tombstones again this year.
Accuweather says sunrise is in 30 minutes. I better get home.
Why would Treatster send us here? It must be a prank.
Siri, where is the grave of Arch Stanton?
Siri, who is buried in Grant’s tomb?
Siri, how deep are caskets buried? And where is the nearest hardware store?
Why is google maps sending us to Boise to see Paul Revere’s grave?
It’s a text from your great great great great great grandpa. He says it’s cold and dark down here.
But at least I have lots of gold cups and jewelry.
Emergency calls only. Is a low red blood cell count an emergency?
It’s my dentist. He says it will take orthodontics to fix my overbite.
Uh Oh. The Red Cross is flagging a shortage in the world’s blood supply.
You can get free shipping if you up it to 4 quarts of embalming fluid.
Unicode fell short this time, so I needed to make a picture:
https://imgur.com/WRvhT1q
It’s Helga’s phone. Turns out it was more waterproof than she was.
I don’t like ‘Apple Pay’. It reminds me too much of Snow White.
I love the irony. I got a “BFF” text from a mortal.
Or “Ha Ha Ha! I got a ‘BFF’ text from a mortal.”
Selfies are a great substitute for mirrors.
Zoning ordinance 17-k21 expressly forbids the reanimation of mumified remains.
You’re either going to have to petition for a variance, or mind-control the city council like the mad-scientists did last year.
I tried to sell you to KFC, but they just refused, they say you are too fresh!
Hahahahahaha 😀
Can you believe Frank and Angela? It’s a save the date for their death-a-versary party on the same night as our terrorize-the-town tour. Unbelievable!
Sorry, this tomb transfer expired 5000 years ago.
You are right, your wrappings ARE closer to ecru than they are to beige.
Low is 24 degrees. Moon is waxing gibbous. Wind is west north west at 15 to 20 miles per hour. Yanet Garcia is wearing a blue dress. I feel warmer already.
Siri, play Songs From The Crypt.
Our credit card company wants to know if we really bought 40 rolls of masking tape.
Siri, how do you scare dead people?
Oh, a Dracula card! Just what I needed to complete my collection!
“I ordered the Chicken Salad…..not the Chicken Wrap.”
“Sorry to hear about your marinade burn.”
“Free yourself Dude, you have to find a way out of that long-term cellular contract.”
“Are we the only two that were invited to the KFC waiting room party.”
“Naked chicken, it’s all the rage at Taco Bell.”
“Sorry, no cape this year. Transylvanian Air lost my luggage!”
“Here’s my dry cleaning ticket. Can I have my cape?”
“You look better than your Tinder photo!”
I’m never going to play poker with you again if you keep marking the aces!
damn these jehova witnesses
let me just finish this candy crush game
I marked all the aces. Now let’s find some suckers.
According to the map, we should be inside the club right now.